No more entry from now on. That is all.

The one where everything crashes down but she still pretends that everything's ok.

I'm not ok. I can tell you that much. I don't know when will be the day I'm gonna get another episode. But I know it's coming. And I'm not sure anyone can help me stop it. No, I'm not depressed. Am I? I keep telling myself that I'm not.

Am I heartbroken? why yes... yes I am. Do I regret what I'd done. No. I never do. Never did. But I'm pissed. Very... The asshole found another bitch to fuck barely a month after I dumped him. Yas told me... How much I told him I don't wanna know, he have to tell me all these just coz he said I should know. I have to know.

And I doesn't help that the stupid dumbo keep trying to view my friendster though it's on private mode. And on top of that he have the cheek to put some of MY friends as his featured friends.. Luckily danny'd deleted him.

And that bitch. I pity that bitch. But then again. she's a bitch all the same. So bitch. Bitch!

I'd tendered my resignation last friday. Long story. It's a shocker ain't it? But I have to leave before things gets worst. Or even worse, I'll get stuck in the job like most of 'em. I'd never intended to leave this early though. But yeah, I do things at random.

Ouh.. one more thing. I'm a fucking liar. I'm a FUCKING LIAR. yes I am. I am a liar a point where I have no fucking idea what was the thing I'd lied about. I have no inkling what I did or have done to have deserve all these. And I thought I'd meant more than this. I had enough though. enough.. I'd decided to take all the blame. Yes, I'm wrong. I'm used to taking all the blame. Been doing it for almost 26 years now. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't even want to defend, retaliate or do whatever anymore.

So this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna be.. wait.. I'm NOT gonna be around for anyone or anything anymore. I do not want to care about it either. Mati masuk kubur pun sendiri aper. Jadi tak payah lah sakitkan hati atau diri. So I'll be invisible ya. You all will get over it sooner or later. Y'all be fine ok?...

I apologize.. I beg all of u to forgive me, for all the wrong things I'd done/did/about to do to all of you. I'm really really really am sorry.. I don't know if you all will believe a liar like me. But even if you all don't.. heck... whatever la. I don't exist anymore ok? Forget me.

Well, I bet things can't get any worst than this...

Good nite all. Goodbye.

Ehhh.. your biological clock not ticking ticking ah??

That's what my mum asked me recently. In a bid to find out whether am I attached or not, And when will she have another grandchild. Sheesh...She should worry more about my all messed up body clock instead.. Rarely able to sleep before 3am nowadays.

Besides, I'm ok with myself being single right now. Or rather am adapting to it. Though I can't help but to peek at his friendster once in a while. Noticed that he'd deleted all the pictures he took with other girls. But he kept the ones he took with me. No idea why. Too bad I'd no more love for him. He should've cherished what he had. Ha... ha... ha.

On another note, Apologies if I'd been quite distance with all of you lately. Manic relapses getting the best of me. I kinda missed the feeling so I'm kinda 'entertaining' them now. shiiiokzz.. Rather not have my friends get affected by these sillyness... I'll be back soon ok?

Ouh and I sooooo want these..

 Check them out at http://alyssadeekrauss.com

An Ultimatum

I think I'm finally ready to let go.

Thank you all for your words of advise.

Shikin for knocking sense into me.

Adz for the great advise.

My randomers.

My lovely, lovely.... Ema.

He have 3 days to 'decide'.

That's all I can give him.

For the fact that I still love him.

I'd made up my mind.

I know it will be hard.

But I know I'll get better.

I need all of you to hold my hands and tell me I'll be fine.

Tell me I'm beautiful.

Lots of hugs please.

And let it lingers...

One more thing,

Please stop me if you see me going soft once more and decide to give him another chance.

And if he ever ask you why, Let him know that he'd lost someone who'd truly loved him.

And he'll never find another like me.

That's my curse to him.

Thank you.

I Just wanna love & be loved. Is that so hard??

I guess this is the only 'channel' for me to rant. I think I lost the ability to vent 'verbally'. I feel a lot stupid-er lately.

10-12 June was hell for me at work & I'm still cleaning up the 'shit'. Fuck laaa.. I ran the bloody team all on my own sia. 384 fucking deals within 3hours, 65 fucking reversals/replacement when I could've had made 32 amendments.. (but nooo... 'someone' HAS to be damn fucking authoritative and insist on reversals) on top of my fucking jobscope to boot & I'm supposed to be perfect?

I'd never denied that it was nevertheless my mistake, But I'm not a fucking machine laa.. Just because I'm willing to learn & I'm bloody independant does not mean that i'm a bloody saint.

And now, when I'm all settled at my original team, All these 'shit' still get redirected to me. Fuck la...

On another note, I agree with Kin, I AM AFFECTED still by all the things that he do to hurt me. I'm such a pussy la girl...and I melt easily. I got too much heart to turn vengeful. And I'm too used to letting myself get hurt. I fucking don't know how to, as you say it, 'harden myself'. Coz when I really fall, I fall... and I don't look down to see how far will I fall.. till it's too late and then I smacked hard on the floor & smash myself into pieces.

Ema says that he actually realised how lucky he is to have me but he also realised that he's able to take advantage of me.

I don't agree on the first part. I don't think he knows how fucking lucky he is laa.. He thinks I don't have the guts to leave him. Which might be true. And the fact what if I'd let go of the wrong one this time?

My heart's not on my sleeves anymore, it's at my fingertips.. about to fall off.

I know there's better guys out there who'll love me more, But I'm tired of starting all over again.. Or maybe I'm just plain lazy.

I can't sleep much nowadays... eventhough how fucking tired I am coz I spend hours worrying what the hell is happening to me... I'm exhausted.. Really... And my life's crumbling in front of me.. I can actually see it..

Coz now, I don't actually 'own' a room to curl up & cry on my own anymore.

With all these 'shit' happening around  & to me, I think I barely have a home also.

I feel damn hopeless..

And homeless too.

I'm a walking disaster laa... Someone come stab me now please?? 

Coz all these while, when I'm out with you guys, that's not me, that's a fucking actor pretending to be me.