I guess this is the only 'channel' for me to rant. I think I lost the ability to vent 'verbally'. I feel a lot stupid-er lately.

10-12 June was hell for me at work & I'm still cleaning up the 'shit'. Fuck laaa.. I ran the bloody team all on my own sia. 384 fucking deals within 3hours, 65 fucking reversals/replacement when I could've had made 32 amendments.. (but nooo... 'someone' HAS to be damn fucking authoritative and insist on reversals) on top of my fucking jobscope to boot & I'm supposed to be perfect?

I'd never denied that it was nevertheless my mistake, But I'm not a fucking machine laa.. Just because I'm willing to learn & I'm bloody independant does not mean that i'm a bloody saint.

And now, when I'm all settled at my original team, All these 'shit' still get redirected to me. Fuck la...

On another note, I agree with Kin, I AM AFFECTED still by all the things that he do to hurt me. I'm such a pussy la girl...and I melt easily. I got too much heart to turn vengeful. And I'm too used to letting myself get hurt. I fucking don't know how to, as you say it, 'harden myself'. Coz when I really fall, I fall... and I don't look down to see how far will I fall.. till it's too late and then I smacked hard on the floor & smash myself into pieces.

Ema says that he actually realised how lucky he is to have me but he also realised that he's able to take advantage of me.

I don't agree on the first part. I don't think he knows how fucking lucky he is laa.. He thinks I don't have the guts to leave him. Which might be true. And the fact what if I'd let go of the wrong one this time?

My heart's not on my sleeves anymore, it's at my fingertips.. about to fall off.

I know there's better guys out there who'll love me more, But I'm tired of starting all over again.. Or maybe I'm just plain lazy.

I can't sleep much nowadays... eventhough how fucking tired I am coz I spend hours worrying what the hell is happening to me... I'm exhausted.. Really... And my life's crumbling in front of me.. I can actually see it..

Coz now, I don't actually 'own' a room to curl up & cry on my own anymore.

With all these 'shit' happening around  & to me, I think I barely have a home also.

I feel damn hopeless..

And homeless too.

I'm a walking disaster laa... Someone come stab me now please?? 

Coz all these while, when I'm out with you guys, that's not me, that's a fucking actor pretending to be me.