eldritch_soul's Xanga

No more entry from now on. That is all.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 17:39:59 GMT

As per above. Enough.

The one where everything crashes down but she still pretends that everything's ok.

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 18:33:25 GMT

I'm not ok. I can tell you that much. I don't know when will be the day I'm gonna get another episode. But I know it's coming. And I'm not sure anyone can help me stop it. No, I'm not depressed. Am I? I keep telling myself that I'm not.

Am I heartbroken? why yes... yes I am. Do I regret what I'd done. No. I never do. Never did. But I'm pissed. Very... The asshole found another bitch to fuck barely a month after I dumped him. Yas told me... How much I told him I don't wanna know, he have to tell me all these just coz he said I should know. I have to know.

And I doesn't help that the stupid dumbo keep trying to view my friendster though it's on private mode. And on top of that he have the cheek to put some of MY friends as his featured friends.. Luckily danny'd deleted him.

And that bitch. I pity that bitch. But then again. she's a bitch all the same. So bitch. Bitch!

I'd tendered my resignation last friday. Long story. It's a shocker ain't it? But I have to leave before things gets worst. Or even worse, I'll get stuck in the job like most of 'em. I'd never intended to leave this early though. But yeah, I do things at random.

Ouh.. one more thing. I'm a fucking liar. I'm a FUCKING LIAR. yes I am. I am a liar a point where I have no fucking idea what was the thing I'd lied about. I have no inkling what I did or have done to have deserve all these. And I thought I'd meant more than this. I had enough though. enough.. I'd decided to take all the blame. Yes, I'm wrong. I'm used to taking all the blame. Been doing it for almost 26 years now. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't even want to defend, retaliate or do whatever anymore.

So this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna be.. wait.. I'm NOT gonna be around for anyone or anything anymore. I do not want to care about it either. Mati masuk kubur pun sendiri aper. Jadi tak payah lah sakitkan hati atau diri. So I'll be invisible ya. You all will get over it sooner or later. Y'all be fine ok?...

I apologize.. I beg all of u to forgive me, for all the wrong things I'd done/did/about to do to all of you. I'm really really really am sorry.. I don't know if you all will believe a liar like me. But even if you all don't.. heck... whatever la. I don't exist anymore ok? Forget me.

Well, I bet things can't get any worst than this...

Good nite all. Goodbye.

Ehhh.. your biological clock not ticking ticking ah??

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:11:06 GMT

That's what my mum asked me recently. In a bid to find out whether am I attached or not, And when will she have another grandchild. Sheesh...She should worry more about my all messed up body clock instead.. Rarely able to sleep before 3am nowadays.

Besides, I'm ok with myself being single right now. Or rather am adapting to it. Though I can't help but to peek at his friendster once in a while. Noticed that he'd deleted all the pictures he took with other girls. But he kept the ones he took with me. No idea why. Too bad I'd no more love for him. He should've cherished what he had. Ha... ha... ha.

On another note, Apologies if I'd been quite distance with all of you lately. Manic relapses getting the best of me. I kinda missed the feeling so I'm kinda 'entertaining' them now. shiiiokzz.. Rather not have my friends get affected by these sillyness... I'll be back soon ok?

Ouh and I sooooo want these..

Check them out at http://alyssadeekrauss.com

An Ultimatum

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:41:43 GMT

I think I'm finally ready to let go.

Thank you all for your words of advise.

Shikin for knocking sense into me.

Adz for the great advise.

My randomers.

My lovely, lovely.... Ema.

He have 3 days to 'decide'.

That's all I can give him.

For the fact that I still love him.

I'd made up my mind.

I know it will be hard.

But I know I'll get better.

I need all of you to hold my hands and tell me I'll be fine.

Tell me I'm beautiful.

Lots of hugs please.

And let it lingers...

One more thing,

Please stop me if you see me going soft once more and decide to give him another chance.

And if he ever ask you why, Let him know that he'd lost someone who'd truly loved him.

And he'll never find another like me.

That's my curse to him.

Thank you.

I Just wanna love & be loved. Is that so hard??

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 18:21:09 GMT

I guess this is the only 'channel' for me to rant. I think I lost the ability to vent 'verbally'. I feel a lot stupid-er lately.

10-12 June was hell for me at work & I'm still cleaning up the 'shit'. Fuck laaa.. I ran the bloody team all on my own sia. 384 fucking deals within 3hours, 65 fucking reversals/replacement when I could've had made 32 amendments.. (but nooo... 'someone' HAS to be damn fucking authoritative and insist on reversals) on top of my fucking jobscope to boot & I'm supposed to be perfect?

I'd never denied that it was nevertheless my mistake, But I'm not a fucking machine laa.. Just because I'm willing to learn & I'm bloody independant does not mean that i'm a bloody saint.

And now, when I'm all settled at my original team, All these 'shit' still get redirected to me. Fuck la...

On another note, I agree with Kin, I AM AFFECTED still by all the things that he do to hurt me. I'm such a pussy la girl...and I melt easily. I got too much heart to turn vengeful. And I'm too used to letting myself get hurt. I fucking don't know how to, as you say it, 'harden myself'. Coz when I really fall, I fall... and I don't look down to see how far will I fall.. till it's too late and then I smacked hard on the floor & smash myself into pieces.

Ema says that he actually realised how lucky he is to have me but he also realised that he's able to take advantage of me.

I don't agree on the first part. I don't think he knows how fucking lucky he is laa.. He thinks I don't have the guts to leave him. Which might be true. And the fact what if I'd let go of the wrong one this time?

My heart's not on my sleeves anymore, it's at my fingertips.. about to fall off.

I know there's better guys out there who'll love me more, But I'm tired of starting all over again.. Or maybe I'm just plain lazy.

I can't sleep much nowadays... eventhough how fucking tired I am coz I spend hours worrying what the hell is happening to me... I'm exhausted.. Really... And my life's crumbling in front of me.. I can actually see it..

Coz now, I don't actually 'own' a room to curl up & cry on my own anymore.

With all these 'shit' happening around & to me, I think I barely have a home also.

I feel damn hopeless..

And homeless too.

I'm a walking disaster laa... Someone come stab me now please??

Coz all these while, when I'm out with you guys, that's not me, that's a fucking actor pretending to be me.

The Rewind button's broken. So is the Mute Button.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:22:42 GMT

I'm still sick. Don't think I'll ever recover. I'm starting to go off/binge/puke out food again. I had the worst Bowling sets ever last tues. My mind was not on the game. We lost by a landslide. Dammit I can't even get a one-pin spare down. After what Draz told me that night, I'm still in shocked mode. We'd lost another angel. I shudder to think of another year if we keep losing our angels.

The cats are singing outside my window to match my melancholy.

Be strong dear Stormy, We're all here for you.

Press start.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 09:38:37 GMT

Monday, 15th June 2008.

This will be the day the game begins.

Goodbye heart..

Helllooooooooo revenge...

(Don't say I didn't warn you honey... It's wayy too late now.)

IF it hurts this bad then I don't want it anymore.

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:09:26 GMT

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

Dammit, If it really does hurt this much, then I don't want to feel anymore. Take it away.. Please God. Take it far away.

Out of the games.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:07:15 GMT

I'd enjoyed myself last monday. Really I did. I'd some great laughs, Had great company. But I felt something's missing. But what was it?

Ouh ya, I think I know.

I'd lost my 'Glow'

Can someone help me find it?

Please??

I'm not playing the games anymore.

I'm out of it.

And I'm not gonna entertain whoever's playing these games.

Coz I think it's evil.

I know it's evil.

So this is what I'm gonna do,

I'm not gonna be the one listening anymore.

I'm not gonna be looking at ém anymore.

I'm not gonna say anything about it anymore.

So till this 'glow' comes back to me.

I'm gonna be neutral.

Unfeeling..

So ermmm...shushhh..

The one when i turn manic.. or I think I am..

Thu, 29 May 2008 15:00:11 GMT

It took me almost 7 months to give my heart to you.

It took you.. let'see.. 3 mins to break it,

2 mins to step all over it,

2 mins to set it on fire & watch it turn to ashes.

And so, I told you I had enough.

I'd loved you.

More than I'd loved anyone else before you.

But loving you hurt me more.

And no one did hurt me as much as you do.

And you knew it.

But you keep at it.

I'm not your toy darling.

Though I am naive.

For loving you this much.

I don't regret .

I'd never did.

I just wished,

That I would've gotten even.

THE SHIELD is reconstructing.

This time,

It's unbreakable.

Ta! love.

I'll miss you.

Dear dear friends,

My lovely V babes,

My darling Randomers,

Whoever I'm holding on still,

So close.

I apologize,

For not being around much.

For being such a bitch nowadays.

It's not your fault.

I think I'm turning manic again.

Or I think I am.

Help me keep my feet to the ground,

Please?

Coz once THE SHIELD is back up,

There's

turning

back.....